With the heavy campaigning of the last few months distracting everyone’s attention, no one in Congress has had much time to concoct any creative legislation for our consideration, consternation, trepidation, or just plain irritation. Despite the legislative hiatus, both sides of the aisle have made it clear that, election results notwithstanding, America needs to tighten its belt if we are to survive these tough economic times.
In the spirit of hard-times camaraderie, we are offering this 7-day austerity menu to help you make the most of limited resources. Please feel free to rearrange the entrees and add your personal touches.
Monday
Humble Pie
- Make a thick crust (the thicker, the better) with flour, lard, salt, and water. Divide it into two pieces.
- Roll out one piece of crust and fit it into the aluminum pie pan you have saved from a bakery pie bought in more affluent times.
- Fill the crust with leftovers you brought home from Sunday’s church potluck dinner.
- Add chicken gravy made with flour, margarine, water, and a chicken bouillon cube.
- Roll out the second piece of crust and cover the pie, crimping the edges.
- Bake until golden.
Tuesday
Crow
- Pluck feathers and save for a mattress, pillow, or winter jacket.
- Remove head and feet and save for soup stock.
- Remove internal organs and feed to cat.
- Roast birds, four or five to a pan, until crisp.
(Note: This succulent bird can be found anywhere in America. We recommend that you test for West Nile Virus before cooking.)
(N.B.: A variation on crow is the more generic blackbird, which is usually baked in a pie. We suggest that you use blackbird as an alternate filling for Monday’s Humble Pie.)
Wednesday
Any three-can stew with pasta bits
- Go to the pantry (yours, or one operated by a local church or food bank), close your eyes, and pick out three cans.
- Pour the contents of those cans into a pot and heat.
- Gather all the odds and ends of pasta from boxes that you didn’t finish off, but couldn’t bring yourself to throw away.
- Cook pasta according to package directions, adding them at the appropriate times for even cooking.
- Drain pasta.
- Pour the heated contents of your three cans over the pasta.
Mangia!
Thursday
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- Pick over beans and soak.
- Drain soaking water.
- Add fresh water and any aromatic vegetables you find at the bottom of your refrigerator crisper drawer. (How did those leeks get in there?)
- Cook beans for hours and hours and hours until finally soft.
- About a half hour before you’re ready to eat, cook rice according to package directions, rinsing first to remove as much arsenic as possible. (While we hate to make such a suggestion, you may want to consider buying your rice from Thailand, which has far less contamination than the south-central U.S.)
(Note: You can spend the time waiting for the beans to cook by reading the Obama Health Care Plan.)
Friday
White Beans and Brown Rice
Follow the directions for Black Beans and White Rice.
(Note: You will need less time to cook the beans, but more time to cook the rice. We do not know if this results from racial profiling or merely a genetic anomaly of the ingredients.)
(N.B.: Brown rice has more arsenic than white rice. Rinse carefully!)
Saturday
Roadkill (also known as trunk meat in some parts of the country)
The cooking possibilities of roadkill are limited only by your imagination. Consider roasting, braising, boiling, pan-frying, grilling, or smoking, depending on the age and species of the roadkill, the time of year, and your expertise and equipment.
(Note: Be sure that the roadkill is less than a few hours old when you pick it up. You can usually make this assessment based on the extent of bloating due to internal gases.)
(N.B.: Larger forms of roadkill can be made into summer sausage. We suggest you look for an experienced butcher to process your carcass.)
Sunday
Mystery Meat
Everyone who has attended public school or lived in a college dormitory is familiar with this culinary masterpiece. It requires no further explanation.
(Note: Mystery meat leftovers can be used in Monday’s Humble Pie.)
We hope this austerity menu will stand you in good stead for the next four years – or possibly beyond.